Godless

I still believe in the existence of God. However, my entire belief system has changed. Like Albert Einstein, I once I accepted Baruch Spinoza's concept of God. To Spinoza, God existed solely from a philosophical standpoint. According to Einstein, Spinoza believed in a God who revealed himself in the orderly harmony of what exists. God and nature were one in the same. He did not believe in a God who concerned himself with the fates and actions of human beings. In effect, Spinoza’s God is what Theologians refer to as being “generally provident.” Thus, I too once believed that God was generally provident.

I no longer believe God is such an impersonal force. I also believe his influence is more than just “divine providence.” I think he does interfere in our everyday lives. He may indeed be “specially provident,” because there are coincidences and then there are coincidences. The events occurring in my life cannot all be simply chalked-up to mere coincidence. I feel like Job, but I am not the person Job was. Job accepted the evil in life and never lost faith. I have not only lost faith, but I have “cursed” God for the relentless set of trials and tribulations I have had to undergo. Job’s faith and confidence in God did not waiver – mine does. It teeter-totters back and forth depending on whether I have had a good or bad day. Priests will tell you that our faith is routinely tested, but I suspect they have missed the big picture. This extends beyond mere temptation, inconvenience or intermittent misfortune. I have had a wrecking ball pass through my heart and soul on a regular basis for almost 4 straight years. We are talking about the deaths of many people in my immediate family and illness to those who have survived. The loss of employment (the day before the death of a special person in my life), financial loss, several bizarre car accidents; two of which occurred while I was stopped at a red traffic signal, and also occurred on significant dates in my life. Was it Coincidence? Or perhaps a friendly reminder from God that he is the boss, and I have somehow earned his special attention? I feel as if God has abandoned me and I do not know why.

I am Godless, yet I do not want to be.