Godless

I still believe in the existence of God. However, my entire belief system has changed. Like Albert Einstein, I once I accepted Baruch Spinoza's concept of God. To Spinoza, God existed solely from a philosophical standpoint. According to Einstein, Spinoza believed in a God who revealed himself in the orderly harmony of what exists. God and nature were one in the same. He did not believe in a God who concerned himself with the fates and actions of human beings. In effect, Spinoza’s God is what Theologians refer to as being “generally provident.” Thus, I too once believed that God was generally provident.

I no longer believe God is such an impersonal force. I also believe his influence is more than just “divine providence.” I think he does interfere in our everyday lives. He may indeed be “specially provident,” because there are coincidences and then there are coincidences. The events occurring in my life cannot all be simply chalked-up to mere coincidence. I feel like Job, but I am not the person Job was. Job accepted the evil in life and never lost faith. I have not only lost faith, but I have “cursed” God for the relentless set of trials and tribulations I have had to undergo. Job’s faith and confidence in God did not waiver – mine does. It teeter-totters back and forth depending on whether I have had a good or bad day. Priests will tell you that our faith is routinely tested, but I suspect they have missed the big picture. This extends beyond mere temptation, inconvenience or intermittent misfortune. I have had a wrecking ball pass through my heart and soul on a regular basis for almost 4 straight years. We are talking about the deaths of many people in my immediate family and illness to those who have survived. The loss of employment (the day before the death of a special person in my life), financial loss, several bizarre car accidents; two of which occurred while I was stopped at a red traffic signal, and also occurred on significant dates in my life. Was it Coincidence? Or perhaps a friendly reminder from God that he is the boss, and I have somehow earned his special attention? I feel as if God has abandoned me and I do not know why.

I am Godless, yet I do not want to be.

An Apology To My Son

Look around you, son. There is wealth and luxury in abundance; and, none for us. I have nothing to give to you, but words on paper. Some people are arbitrarily chosen to be successful. They are, in effect, princes. Then, there are the losers. They are the peons of this world. The biggest losers are the ones, like me, who never realized their position in life until it was too late. We continue to grind out a meager living, hopeful of a reward that is never forthcoming. We delude ourselves with visions of a better life; but, our visions never materialize and remain ghosts. The princes lie to us with impunity to achieve success. We watch helplessly as our dreams repeatedly crumble right before our somber eyes. We smile graciously and convince ourselves that our turn will soon come; but it never does. We blind ourselves with hope; the hope of success, but success is just an illusion. Hapiness is fleeting. It too is illusory.

Nothing comes easy for us peons. The simplest tasks become difficult chores. No door is already opened for us. No obstacle is removed. Good fortune is inaccessible to us. Our successes are small and insignificant to everyone, but us. Fate has chosen our miserable path. There is nothing we can do to alter the course of our future.

I may have unwittingly condemned you to such a life of misery and heartbreak, my son. I would right this wrong for you if I could, but I am helpless; and helplessness is the cruelest feeling in the world, especially when you cannot help someone you love. All I have left are wishes and each wish I have is for you to become a prince. I wish that with all of my heart.

I am truly sorry that I am nothing more than a peon. I hope you will forgive me and know that I love you more than anything in the world.